What parts of you surface when you want to create?
What parts of you surface when you want to create?
An essay prompted (and inspired) by withlovemel.substack.com
13/02/2024
this is a love letter to stillness & flow.
I write this waiting. waiting for godot. waiting patiently while being immersed in the moment. waiting for my next call to begin.
half-light. one eye. soft.
what & how do I want to be seen? what & how do I want to be known?
it is vulnerable to share your world with the internet. I don’t actually do that much of it. I notice the pain of separation & the joy of privacy. the illicit has always tempted me. what traps am I falling into?
these questions are provocative. every question I’ve ever asked “my audience”, I’ve asked myself. every question I ever ask my audience, I ask myself. countless times.
I ask & I ask & I ask & I answer differently every single time.
what & how do I want to be seen? what & how do I want to be known?
right now, I am feeling heartbroken.
right now, I am feeling heart-open.
right now, I am softening.
there is a sense of endings & new beginnings.
I am in love with the ephemeral.
WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?
above & beyond anything else, there is the part of me that doesn’t know what to say.
there is the part of me that doesn’t have anything to say.
there is the part of me that wants all of this to go away.
there is the part of me that freezes. the part of me that curls up in a ball & hides.
there is the part of me that doesn’t know why anyone would want to listen to anything I say anyway.
there is the part of me that is deeply, deeply, deeply afraid.
WHAT DO THESE PARTS OF ME WANT TO SAY?
the part of me that doesn’t know what to say: “is something wrong with me because I am this way? am I doing something wrong? is everything okay?”
the part of me that doesn’t have anything to say: “when you are moved, you will move. when you are moved to speak, you will speak. listen to me. trust me. I love you. be here with me.”
the part of me that wants all of this to go away: “I am overwhelmed and afraid. will you take care of me? will you comfort me?”
the part of me that freezes, curls up in a ball & hides: “I’m scared. will you judge me? will you love me? am I safe?”
the part of me that doesn’t know why anyone would listen to anything I say: “why do you like me anyway? what do you see in me? I can’t see it. I need you to tell me so I can see it for myself.”
the part of me that is deeply, deeply, deeply afraid: “I want to be held.”
WHAT DO THESE PARTS OF ME WANT TO HEAR?
these parts of me want to hear that I am safe, loved, and wanted. not for the sake of it. not to appease my insecurities. only if it’s true for the other person.
these parts of me are not dissuaded by putdowns. they do not care for pleasantries. they are interested in what is alive & real. they are here to protect me [too].
WHERE DO I WANT TO GO FROM HERE?
I am touched by the awakening, the unfolding, the unfurling.
I like writing questions in all-caps.
I like this formatting.
I like the way this flows.
I like the way this feels.
I like the way this feels when I share this.
I’m grateful to Mel for gently inspiring & guiding me into this.
I’m grateful not to have to be alone.
I’m grateful to know that I never have to be alone again.
it feels so good not to have to be alone.
it feels so good not to be alone.
it feels so good not to have to be alone.
I want to write these words over & over & over again.I want to soak this up.
I want to create.
I want to unfurl.
I want to freefall in the gentlest way possible.
I want to open. I want to love.
I want to go further than I’ve ever gone before.
I want to stop holding [myself] back.
I want to take you on a journey.
I want to take you on a journey with me.
I want you to feel me.
I yearn so deeply for you to feel me more deeply.
I yearn not to have to do it all alone.
I yearn not to have to be alone.
I know I am not alone.
I yearn to be even less alone.
I yearn to do even less alone.
I yearn to do even more with you, my people.
WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?
I want to experiment with answering this question multiple times.
it’s later in the day now, and the mood has shifted. I am different now. I am many different people all rolled into one. I am many different things all rolled into one.
I’m okay. I’m beautiful. I’m more than okay.
this isn’t just about surface-level beauty. beauty isn’t just surface-level.
I want to experience what it’s like to choose to share, and choose to stay.
I want to experience what it’s like to choose to stay, and naturally move, and share from that place.
I want to experiment with answering this question multiple times. I want to see what happens when I stay with this question, when I move with this question, when I love this question, and when I fall in love with this question.
I love this question so much. this essay is a love letter to this question.
question, I love you.
question, my love for you is never in question.
question, you are an allegory for love itself.
question, you are creation made manifest.
and for all the heartache and the loss, there is—was—love.
I opened up. I listened. I softened. I stayed.
it was worth it. it is worth it. I am so, so, so fucking grateful.
WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?
all the parts of me that I have been hiding away.
WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?
all the parts of me that yearn to be tended to.
WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?
my inner child; my little girl; my younger self; the woman I admire so much because she knew more than she thought she did & she really, really, really fucking bet on herself and it paid off.
WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?
the parts of me that yearn to be loved in ways I am not [yet]; the parts of me that are afraid of sharing this; the parts of me that have a mixed history with being & feeling met (I welcome, love, and treasure them).
WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?
my greatest hopes, dreams, and desires. my fire. my audacity. my tenacity. my boldness. my willingness to burn for love. my willingness to dance naked & make a fool of myself. my love for ridiculousness. my inner clown. the cosmic joker.
WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?
my desire to have people who walk this road with me. my desire for partnership of the kind that transcends romance & sexuality. my desire for partnership of the kind that is about ride-or-die-we’re-in-this-together oneness. my desire for even more integration. my desire to come home to myself even more. my desire to let my guard down even more. my desire to be even more truthful. my desire to both claim these desires as “mine” and see these desires as an expression of something that is much greater & more powerful than me. my desire to be able to be silly & imperfect & be loved for it. my desire to be an eternal student. my desire to fuck the rules. my desire to make love & embody peace. my desire to live art & own power & be a living embodiment of the fact that the goddess is real. my desire to be even more myself even (especially) when it’s hard. my desire to laugh at notions of selfhood and just enjoy the motherfucking ride. my desire to claim all of this as MINE & roar at the brilliant skies. my desire to be even more at one with the universe. my desire to co-birth a new world from the ashes of what came before. my desire to bring you all with me, and do all of this together. my desire for togetherness. my desire for love.
WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?
my love for you & I together. my love for us. my love for what we get to create. my love for our big, beautiful hearts. my love for our journey & collective transformation. it is magnificent. we are magnificent. we should be so proud of ourselves. onwards, upwards, and through!
thank you for reading.
a question, a quest, a desire, a yearning: will you reply to this post with a question for me?
a prompt for my next longform essay. a brick for a solid foundation of musings. I love you, I love you, I love you.
thank you for being here with me.
love,
your favourite modern-day renaissance woman