metamorphosis
metamorphosis
the goddess chronicles: part one
the weight of loss & grief of the softest and simplest kind.
the ache.
the disillusionment.
the dissolution.
into the ether, to be born again.
to be reborn again.
to dance.
to dance!
to laugh.
to love.
to be reborn, dancing in the flames.
death is part of life.
death enables life.
death becomes life.
death imbues the living with vitality & wonder.
and, it [still] hurts.
let us be here now.
let us be still here now.
let us be still.
let us be here.
let us be.
let us grieve.
let us feel.
let us return.
these words have no power over us. and, these words set us free.
a part of me died in the dust.
a part of me died here.
a part of me died this year.
so much of me died.
and so much of me lived so fully too.
I put this in the “pure creative writing” section for plausible deniability. I wanted to let myself write without thinking. I wanted to write without thinking. I wanted to spill out onto the page.
I wanted to be safe to burn. I knew I could—would—come alive amongst the flames. I knew that fire & water were my elements. I knew that some things required no explanation.
I knew I was a lover.
I knew I was a fighter.
I knew I was a writer.
I knew I had a lot to learn.
before I went to burning man, I didn’t understand that the dust gets everywhere.
the dust does get everywhere.
and after a while, you kind of forget about it.
you stop noticing it.
but it’s still there.
in the crevices of memory, she became me.
in the crevices of memory, I remembered her name.
in the crevices of memory, I became her.
in the crevices of memory, I moved beyond shame.
I remembered a world I had never known and always felt, and it comforted me. it comforted me when I felt I had nothing else left— emotionally, not physically. and when I felt bereft, overwhelmed, and overcome by the tidal wave, I looked up at the heavens. then, I cried to the moon.
my mother.
my lover.
my protector.
my home.
and then, I met my father. or, perhaps more accurately—I felt my father. I felt my father’s love for the first time, and it changed me.
a lighthouse in the pouring rain. a place I could always look to when I needed guidance. a place in my mind’s eye, beyond prying eyes or judgement.
a place of love.
a place of peace.
a place of power.
a place of security.
and when I spoke to him, my father told me that he had always been here with me. and it touched me deeply because I saw & felt it instinctively. I believed him.
suddenly I saw.
suddenly I knew.
suddenly everything was simple.
I could do nothing but surrender.
I could do nothing but listen.
I could do nothing.
I became nothing.
I laughed at myself.
I enjoyed the silence.
I let it drink me in & take me.
the light in my eyes brightened.
the love in my heart widened.
I became me.
vast, expansive, holy.
fearsome. everything I had always shied away from.
everything I had always been afraid of.
I was afraid of myself and I loved myself at the same time.
then, I stopped being afraid.
my story continues…