savouring the good things
and coming undone in the process
with you,
I savour every victory
nothing is too small to be celebrated
everything is precious
because I know the pain of everything falling to pieces
and I’d rather not live there anymore
it’s not delusion, it’s
holding the good as if it’s a priceless treasure
and not pushing for anything else
it’s making something beautiful out of what was once just pain
it’s refusing to live a life where everything hurts
with you,
I make every four-word affirmative text
into something beautiful & worthy of poetry
because I want to; because it’s how I can hold onto the good with you
when everything else just hurts
with you,
I let myself cry about stupid things
I don’t attempt to confide in you because you’re not [t]here for me
I go all-in on me instead
all the pain, all the desire, all the grief
I let it all wash over me
I let it cleanse me
I let it set me free
nothing is off-limits here, at least with me— you trained me well
I trained me well; “I’m good at my job”; I’m good at coming into alignment & dignity
and I’m not sure what the difference is anymore
evocative
invocation
peace
I’m sad beyond words about how things ended up between us
and I’m not going to fight for something the other person doesn’t fight for too
I’m not going to care in a way that leaves me broken, desperate, wanting, hurting
you taught me that too
—
it was our anniversary a few days ago, so I sent you a text wishing you joy
you saw it & didn’t reply, so I followed up a few hours later to clarify that the joy was for today, not in relation to our relationship
and it was the loneliest thing I ever did
but I don’t regret it
if you don’t feel joyful about our relationship, that’s okay with me too
—
sometimes, our relationship feels like a grotesque humiliation exercise
how much pain can I bear? how over-exposed can I be?
how stupid can I look—in public & everywhere else?
how much can I see all of this & still stay with me?
I’m still learning what my answers to these questions are & mean
it’s been a useful exercise-cum-initiation
—
what’s the truth here?
I don’t believe you care for me
because you don’t show it to me consistently in actions I can feel
and I’m not going to make excuses for you
I know you well enough to know that if you wanted to, you would
and I respect you enough to see that if you wanted to, you could
and I’m okay with being unwanted by you
I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t hurt
and I can hold it for myself
I’m solid like that, if not “strong”
—
something that’s important to me, that’s always been important to me
is not pretending that you don’t matter to me
and not pretending that you—or our relationship—mattered to me less than it did
I’m not going to lie to myself to protect my heart when my heart is already broken
that ship has sailed; I choose truth
and I choose truth without judgement of you
I’m doing this for me
—
another truth that’s obviously true is that I miss you
another truth that’s obviously true is that I can’t be the one to lead our relationship anymore
it doesn’t work for me, and it debases you
I need something that can’t be reduced to me manipulating you
I need something that can’t be thrown back in my face
—
I’ve thought about sending you this post after I publish it, but I don’t want to do that either
I don’t want to give you any more of me than I’ve already given
I’m done; this isn’t for you anymore
it’s for me; I’m writing for me
I trust that the waters between us will find their level
and you will do what you want & need to do on your own
—
I’m sharing this with people I love before I publish it
people who are there for me, people who care for me, people whose love & care I never have to doubt
and it feels right, it feels true, it feels resonant
I don’t regret getting entangled with you
and, I’m choosing me now
—
I don’t know where we go from here
and maybe I don’t need to
maybe this is just a long road to nowhere
and if it is, god bless you
happy friday, lovers