on writer's block
an exploration of consciousness
I haven’t written anything here in a while.
the story I have about it is that I haven’t known what to say.
I wonder to what extent that’s actually true. I wonder to what extent I’m just getting in my own way.
I wonder what that means & looks like.
I wonder how I know what’s true or not true.
I wonder what happens to me as the notion of a[ny] singular or Most True truth dissolves.
I wonder who I will become.
it’s very peaceful where I am.
very peaceful, very still & very luscious.
I feel almost… cocooned.
protected, embraced, held.
swaddled in the arms of the Universe.
like a baby. like a child.
it feels sweet & tender.
it feels like home too.
I think I’m living differently now.
in fact, I know I’m living differently now.
I have so much real-world evidence of it.
it feels too precious—too sacred—to talk about, and it’s here.
it’s here, it’s here, it’s here.
and the mystery is nourishing too.
I think I am seeing the ways in which I am nourished by mystery. and birdsong.
definitely birdsong. beautiful birdsong. luscious birdsong.
the poetry of Her song. the goddess in beaked form.
my words are evocative.
I like telling stories that leave something to the imagination.
I like telling stories that invoke the imagination.
I like telling stories that make you, the reader, feel something.
I hunger for your feelings.
and then I feast on them.
every essay I write is a stream of consciousness that becomes something unexpected.
and I love this for me.
I love this for us.
I love that there is no call to action.
I love that we just get to rest in presence together.
what’s on my mind & heart is a moment in time suspended elsewhere.
a spa day. a confession.
a man who fell in love with a woman who was not his wife, conducted a secret relationship for multiple years, and then came clean. of his own volition. and faced the music.
I remember how I felt when he told me this. I remember how much I admired him.
I felt his pain.
I felt his yearning.
I felt his heart.
I felt his love.
and I felt I understood all sides of the story, at last.
I felt I could truly see.
this moment is long-gone. long-dead. long-past. long-behind me.
and it lingers as a reminder of something important & precious: the beauty of life, and the way it takes us. the places it takes us to. the way it transforms us, and what a gift that is.
to be moulded just by existing. to Become anew.
I don’t know what’s good or bad anymore.
I don’t know what’s wrong or right.
I know how easy it is to hurt people you love in the name of love, fear or cowardice— and how difficult it can be to discern the difference sometimes.
I know that secrets keep us stuck, and that truth liberates & heals.
and I know that true love is boundless.
that’s why it’s the most powerful force on Earth: because it moves & unites us all