Two truths:
I am lonely and I crave connection.
Dating isn’t the right way of doing/getting that.
It’s the small things: a smile. A laugh. Touching someone’s hand. Touching someone’s heart.
We are all lonely. This is a pain that unifies us, ultimately. Or so it seems to me.
I am human and I crave connection.
I am human and I hate being vulnerable.
I am human and I am vulnerable.
I am human and until I accept everything I hate about myself, I cannot truly love.
I am human and although I know that I am not alone in this, sometimes I feel it.
I am human and I don’t want to share this.
I am human, and I am angry about it.
I am human and I fucking hate it, but I’m being honest with myself because it’s important. Because lying to myself doesn’t help me or, indeed, anyone. Because lying to myself doesn’t change anything. Because lying to myself keeps me stuck.
This may be the ache that never leaves but it doesn’t need to be devastating.
And I am lost and scared and broken and sad and hopeless and helpless and, let’s be honest, a fucking mess… and yet, I am none of these things.
I am acknowledging the truth of my experience whilst also appreciating that it is neither definitive nor binary.
This is not all there is to me.
But yes, sometimes I get lonely.
And I could write something beautiful and poetic and empowering but that wouldn’t be real, either. Not right now. Not like this.
So I’m sitting with this. So I’m sharing as is. So the lines about wholeness being found in ‘embracing ourselves and our humanity’ will have to wait.
Sometimes progress looks like a lot like failure.
But maybe that’s what I need to accept.