It hurt. Sometimes, it still hurts. I love it all.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
I hate these words. they make me cry. I want you to know that as I share; I want you to be able to feel this & feel me. I want you to know that I don't say any of this lightly.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
I want you to know why it's taken me so long to speak out & why I’ve spoken out in such convoluted ways at times. I want you to be able to attempt to understand where I am coming from. I want you to know that I am coming from a place of love, not pain.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
I want you to be able to understand what it takes & has taken to be able to say [& do] any of this. by writing this, I have betrayed everyone I love. by speaking out, I “make other people feel uncomfortable”... & I do so knowingly. to some, I could be The Murderer of a Dream.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
I am the daughter of parents who did the best they could. I grew up in a world where children should be seen & not heard. my story is intrinsically intermingled in & with other people’s. what can I share without ruffling (more) feathers? does it really matter anymore?
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
I have already broken all the rules. I broke them because I had to. I broke them because it was the only way I could free myself. I don't want to talk about what happened. I want to talk about why it matters.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
I want to talk about how it feels to have the people around you, who are supposed to protect you, turn a blind eye to what's going on. I want to talk about what it’s like to be a child when this happens. old beyond your years, yet young.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
I want to talk about how it feels to have the people around you, who are supposed to protect you, turn a blind eye to what's going on. I want to talk about what it’s like to be a child when this happens. old beyond your years, yet young.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
learning that the adults around me didn't know any better than me was the most painful experience of my life. it blasted me open. I can't remember when I learned this,but it’s been a bittersweet driving force of the last 20 years. I see through you. you're terrified of me.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
and so, I am not granted humanity. I am not granted the space to breathe & feel. I am not allowed to take up space. I am not allowed to rage. you control me without meaning to simply because [I know] you are afraid.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
I can feel it. I can feel you. these words are word vomit in the sink. but they’re important, and I relish this. I’ve waited so long to speak. I've never wanted to hurt anyone. I’ve just wanted to be able to BE.
![Twitter avatar for @rachelclif](https://substackcdn.com/image/twitter_name/w_96/rachelclif.jpg)
I've wanted to be able to be ME. and I am me, and I love me, and as the tears roll down my cheeks I am inspired & rejuvenated. I am reminded of what it means to be alive. I am reminded of what it means to be free. I am proud of myself. I have nothing to hide. I feel clean.
Your words, your warmth, your love & your feelings are welcome here.
Dive deeper.