On being a black sheep.
I had to betray my family & community to be able to choose myself.
It hurt. Sometimes, it still hurts. I love it all.
I hate these words. they make me cry. I want you to know that as I share; I want you to be able to feel this & feel me. I want you to know that I don't say any of this lightly.
I want you to know why it's taken me so long to speak out & why I’ve spoken out in such convoluted ways at times. I want you to be able to attempt to understand where I am coming from. I want you to know that I am coming from a place of love, not pain.
I want you to be able to understand what it takes & has taken to be able to say [& do] any of this. by writing this, I have betrayed everyone I love. by speaking out, I “make other people feel uncomfortable”... & I do so knowingly. to some, I could be The Murderer of a Dream.
I am the daughter of parents who did the best they could. I grew up in a world where children should be seen & not heard. my story is intrinsically intermingled in & with other people’s. what can I share without ruffling (more) feathers? does it really matter anymore?
I have already broken all the rules. I broke them because I had to. I broke them because it was the only way I could free myself. I don't want to talk about what happened. I want to talk about why it matters.
I want to talk about how it feels to have the people around you, who are supposed to protect you, turn a blind eye to what's going on. I want to talk about what it’s like to be a child when this happens. old beyond your years, yet young.
I want to talk about how it feels to have the people around you, who are supposed to protect you, turn a blind eye to what's going on. I want to talk about what it’s like to be a child when this happens. old beyond your years, yet young.
learning that the adults around me didn't know any better than me was the most painful experience of my life. it blasted me open. I can't remember when I learned this,but it’s been a bittersweet driving force of the last 20 years. I see through you. you're terrified of me.
and so, I am not granted humanity. I am not granted the space to breathe & feel. I am not allowed to take up space. I am not allowed to rage. you control me without meaning to simply because [I know] you are afraid.
I can feel it. I can feel you. these words are word vomit in the sink. but they’re important, and I relish this. I’ve waited so long to speak. I've never wanted to hurt anyone. I’ve just wanted to be able to BE.
I've wanted to be able to be ME. and I am me, and I love me, and as the tears roll down my cheeks I am inspired & rejuvenated. I am reminded of what it means to be alive. I am reminded of what it means to be free. I am proud of myself. I have nothing to hide. I feel clean.
Your words, your warmth, your love & your feelings are welcome here.
Dive deeper.