nothing is in vain
nothing is in vain
these are the only words I can say right now
and, I feel them deeply
nothing is in vain
I don’t want to make this
tidier, or more romantic
than it is
I don’t want to
make this sweet
and inspirational
I want to
be here now, with myself
and with you
and see what comes
I want to
love
I want to
forgive
I want
so desperately
to forgive
I feel my rage roll over me
like a tidal wave
and I lean into it
no words, no story
just feeling
part of me wishes I was more broken-hearted than I am
but that doesn’t fit with
this story
this doesn’t fit with
where I am
I cannot be broken
by something I know
is right
I cannot be hurt
by something I know
is not mine
I am not attached
to anything or anyone
in the way that I was
[redacted]
and the process of healing from that relationship
cured me of that
what I grieve
more than anything else
is the way you closed your heart to me
claude said it well
when it framed you as a spectator, not a partner
I do not, I did not
feel you with me
when it mattered most
but I felt myself with me
and that was enough
for that moment
the thing I’m saddest about
is the thing I’m always saddest about
the loss of my friend
the loss of the person I trusted
the loss of the person I felt safe with
when we got engaged, you promised me this
and you broke your promise
over and over again
I am a lover, but I’m not a fool
with men
