my rage is so fucking sexy to me
and if all I write about for the foreseeable future is this, it will be enough for me
fire
ice
beauty
pain
death
devotion
debauchery
these are a few of my favourite things
I’m not waiting anymore.
that’s what’s changed.
I’m not holding out for xyz.
I’m not holding myself back.
I’m not assuming that you will stay.
I’m not projecting that xyz will exist n months into the future.
I’m living NOW. and I’m living for myself now.
and everything has changed.
*
this is what you always wanted.
this is what I always wanted.
unironically, this is a good example of our interests being truly aligned.
life is so fucking weird.
and when I say that, what I really mean is “life is so fucking absurd”.
like, honestly. fuck the fancy words. I just want to write how I speak & say how I feel & express myself in ways that can be truly felt.
when I look at myself—when I look at EVERYTHING—from a birds’ eye view, everything makes sense.
the simulation is an initiation. I trust in everything the Universe has ever brought to me because it has blessed me with unimaginable joy, freedom & clarity.
I am living NOW.
I am not waiting for anything or anyone.
I am not waiting for you.
and it took me so long, but also, it took me the perfect amount of time. because every lesson is & has been a breakthrough.
THE AFTERNOON AFTER
I don’t believe there is any way of living a rich, embodied, SEXY life without feeling everything & being unapologetic in who you are.
so, that’s what I’m here to do. I’m living for me now.
and as I explore what it means to live for me, I’m filled with joy of the purest & most innocent kind. because this—this—is what I always wanted. this—this—is what I had been waiting (or preparing) for. and at the end of the day, what’s different?
I don’t know. I don’t care. and it feels liberating.
there is so much I don’t know.
there is so much I don’t care about.
and there is so much I LOVE.
I am filled with the force & beauty of my love. and it sets me free.
there’s a popular cliché in personal development— the notion that what I had been wanting & waiting for was me.
and, I feel its truth. clichés are clichés for a reason.
I see where I disempowered myself with him because I didn’t yet see, feel or understand the fullness of my power.
and, I see how this happens: it’s disempowerment all the way down. there is no blame. there is no shame. there is just love, truth, beauty, lessons & initiations.
[my] life is & has been a fucking beautiful cosmic initiation. I am so blessed to be here.
I’m sitting in a café in central London eating artisan kimchi & gently watching the world go by.
what I want to communicate in & with my writing is primarily energetic.
what I have to say must be felt to be understood. that is my gift: the gift of soul.
the gift of touching & being touched.
the gift of loving & being loved.
the gift of opening myself to the Universe, and in turn being opened.
if you open yourself to feeling me, you open yourself to understanding me. I yearn to be understood.
I think I’ve been self-conscious of this for a long time. I think I’ve avoided it; I think I’ve been ashamed of it; I think I’ve been avoiding being seen.
I think I’ve been deep in my own process[es].
I think I’ve been learning & growing.
I think I’ve been young & alive.
I think I’ve been maturing.
I think it all has its place. I think it’s beautiful.
I’m excited about sharing myself differently here.
I’m excited about exploring myself differently here.
I’m excited about the newfound commitments I’ve made—and am making—to myself.
they feel like love letters.
they feel joyful.
I’m ready to take myself seriously as a writer.
I’m ready to take myself seriously in my creative expression.
I’m ready to listen to & honour my soul.
and I’m ready to use my voice in ways that change the world.
ONEIRONAUT
I love that this essay started off being about rage & quickly became something else.
I love watching myself move.
I love watching my emotions shift.
I love opening & sharing my heart.
and I love allowing myself to rage.
god, rage is so sexy to me. there’s a fierceness, a rootedness, an unfuckwithableness, a sense of claiming that’s mine that’s so delicious to me. I want you on your knees, begging, and I’m going to be merciless with you. I get to be mean.
I don’t care about you. I don’t give a shit about you. you mean nothing to me.
and it feels like love.
everything is so fucking ironic & delicious
if you just express rage, it is weak. if you take action to change the situation that is enraging you, you are strong.