Me, coaching myself, in front of you (#1)
Me, coaching myself, in front of you (#1)
Because this is what I want to be able to do.
I’ve been thinking of hiring someone to help me with my Substack, but it doesn’t feel right.
I can’t explain why, and it doesn’t.
I’m struggling with this.
Things I notice:
I really don’t want to tell you this
I feel immensely self-critical
I’m frustrated with myself for even writing this [so far]
I’m critiquing the way I’m talking about this— framing this as “I’m frustrated” feels like I’m identifying too much with my emotions (and possibly making myself too vulnerable?), but “I feel frustrated” is flat & insipid. Like—yes, and. Speak properly
It’s a challenging for me to write & share something that is so imperfect, messy and PERSONAL
I don’t want to have to explain myself, and I worry that talking about this will somehow require me to
I feel angry with myself for even writing this, like wtf am I doing? (See #3)
I feel self-indulgent, stupid & pathetic
Gosh… this topic really does bring up a lot for me, doesn’t it?! ;)
More things I notice:
This feels vulnerable
I feel vulnerable
I don’t know how safe I am to be vulnerable here
I’m worried that people will laugh at me & call me pathetic for sharing in this way here
I’m sad and I’m scared
I’m worried that I’m undermining myself by “breaking all the rules”
COACH RACHEL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING RESCUE (joking, but not)
CR: Fuck me.
Aren’t all those self-protective parts of you SO BEAUTIFUL?
I just want to take a moment and look at you. By which I mean “admire you”, of course.
Because, fuck— you’re being so brave right now! And I can tell there’s so much magic & genius here, just waiting to be recognised & HONOURED as such.
Sad Rachel (SR): What do you mean?
CR: You’ve just shared all these amazing things with me. Things I can’t wait to hear more about. Things I can’t wait to gently unfurl with you. And you’ve done this with your audience too! This is BIG STUFF!
SR: Well, I don’t have many Substack followers.
CR: And? Does that make it less of a big deal to acknowledge, feel & talk about?
SR: I guess not.
CR: Well, then!
SR: *shrugs*
CR: Are you ready to begin?
SR: What does that even mean?
CR: Tell me about why hiring someone to help you with your Substack doesn’t feel right right now.
SR: Oh. Right. Well… my Substack kind of feels like deadweight.
Twitter is the place I really enjoy hanging out on. I love writing on Twitter, but I don’t just want to copy my Twitter posts onto Substack. It might sound silly, and it isn’t that important to me. I don’t want to get into scheduling, and I don’t want to hire an assistant to help me. Maybe I’m just being stubborn, but I don’t want to lose the magical energy of my writing by repurposing it verbatim. It doesn’t feel good. And if that means that some people don’t see it, so be it. There’s always more, and if they really want to see all my best stuff in real time, they can come & hang out where I am.
Meanwhile…
When I sit down to write on Substack, it usually doesn’t feel good. It’s awkward or overwhelming. Or I write something, it’s valuable for me, and I don’t want to share it. And so I end up with this weird mishmash of posts that don’t really represent me or my voice that well, and I don’t like it. It just feels icky for me. And I don’t know… I kind of don’t want someone else just coming in and doing it for me. Even if it “makes more sense” for many reasons.
I don’t care about the money side of things [as it relates to increasing paid subscribers]. I don’t care about funnels. I don’t want to become like everyone else.
And I don’t say that because I’m better, but because I don’t want to do anything that doesn’t feel right for me because I feel like I “should”. And I’m worried about these statements being taken out of context & misconstrued.
And a part of me really wants to be understood— or at least “understandable”.
It feels lonely & alienating to have different priorities to others. It feels lonely & alienating to be unrelatable. Or to conceive that I might be.
It also makes me question myself. Am I doing something wrong?
CR: Could you be doing everything right?
SR: Maybe, and it’s hard to trust sometimes. I feel like a freak. An alien. And I don’t want to go all “woe is me” here— that isn’t how I feel at all. I just want to be seen.
CR: Do you feel like I see you?
SR: Mostly, yes.
CR: Where do you feel I don’t see you?
SR: I don’t know. It isn’t that I feel you don’t see me in a particular place; it’s more that I’m uncomfortable about certain things being seen— by you or anyone else.
CR: What are you uncomfortable with me seeing?
SR: I don’t know. This feels vulnerable.
CR: I get that. What do you need to feel safe?
SR: I need you to not try to tie this up into a pretty little bow for your followers. I need you to not try to condense this down into a neat soundbite & set of actionable next steps. I need you to see me & stay with me & champion that I know best for myself, without pushing me in any particular direction. I need you to nudge me to trust myself more, no matter what that looks like, and help me tease out the wisdom, knowing & power that lies beneath this.
CR: Do you think I can do that?
SR: Yes.
CR: I’ve got you.
SR: I feel it.
CR: Where would you like to go from here?
SR: I want to talk about how scared I am. It’s really scary to do things that don’t make sense.
CR: I get that. And… can I tell you something?
SR: Yes.
CR: From everything you’ve shared with me, I think it does make sense. It makes sense to me that you wouldn’t want to do something that felt inauthentic for you for the sake of potential (but generic/not game-changing) gains in money & influence. From everything I know about you, this seems completely consistent with who you are & what you care about. I think it’s really wise that you’re resisting the trap of doing something that would dilute your powerful voice & presence for the sake of something that, in practice, would feel superficial & immaterial for you. I think it’s really wise that you’re taking this time to slow down, explore & listen to yourself. I’m really proud of you.
SR: Thank you. That means a lot to hear. It is really scary not to do this.
CR: Is it scary not to do, or is it scary to talk about not doing?
SR: The latter, definitely.
CR: What scares you about talking about not doing it?
SR: It feels privileged & elitist. I’m embarrassed in some ways. I also don’t know if I’m being 100% truthful. What if I’m just holding myself back because I’m scared?
CR: Do you need to do this now?
SR: No. But what if everyone leaves me behind?
CR: What does that mean to you?
SR: I don’t know. AI, etc. I feel out of touch. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my own little parallel universe. Often, even. It’s mostly great, and sometimes it gets lonely.
CR: Who do you seek to be understood by?
SR: I don’t know. Or maybe I’m just choosing not to share it right now, and that’s OK too.
CR: That is OK too.
I love you, and I’m proud of you.
Thank you for being here, taking care of yourself, and sharing so bravely with me.
I’ve got you.
SR: I know, and I’m grateful for that.
Thank you for being here with me.
Until next time…