“I Will Never Let You Down”: A Compilation Of Lies We Tell Daily, Part.1

I will probably let you down.

I will probably let you down.

Hands up — or “heads up”, rather.

I say “probably” because I’m not sure; I might, or I might not.

I say “probably” not because I want to, quote unquote, ‘let you down’, but because I don’t want to mislead you.

I would rather tell you something you didn’t want to hear than feed you a beautiful story.

The irony, of course, is that this is a beautiful story.

These are all beautiful stories; we are all an amalgamation of them.

The beautiful story isn’t the problem.

(The clue is in the name: it’s beautiful.)

The problem, put simply, is this: the need to balance our expectations. The need to manage ourselves and our desires. The need to safeguard against “all or nothing”.

We all know how this works: it’s not rocket science.

More than this, it’s something that we all see — and perhaps even experience, to varying degrees — in our everyday lives.

It’s inescapable, endemic, and it’s making us miserable.

Funny, that; perhaps things need to be different.

Change is a choice — or can be, at least.

Change can be a choice, if you let it be.

I will probably let you down, because I am not who you want me to be.

Because I will not play by your rules, or fit into your boxes, or let you — or other people, for that matter — constrain me.

But sometimes, I let myself down, too.

I, too, do things I shouldn’t do.

I push myself too hard.

I give too much.

I stop listening to myself.

I stop respecting who and what I am.

I’m only human.

I get tired of trying so hard.

I get tired of working so hard.

I get tired, full stop.

I have bad days in which I, too, close my eyes, ears, heart and mind to the possibility to learning; days in which, whether inadvertently or otherwise, I find myself backed into a corner, screaming internally; days in which all I want is for someone to save me.

But you don’t always get what you want — and that’s a good thing.

Sometimes, you just get what you need — and that’s enough.

It’s more than enough; it’s everything. The cornerstone for, foundation of, inspiration. The source, the solace, the freedom.

What else do you need?

What else do you really want, even?

Don’t be greedy. Think about what matters, deeply and truly.

We all have to start somewhere.

The vast majority of what I have learned, I have learned the hard way — and I am grateful.

Even if I could, I wouldn’t have it any other way — not ultimately.

Sure, it would be nice.

But ‘nice’ isn’t what matters to me.

We are shaped by our experiences: I wouldn’t be “me” without them.

And hey, sometimes I even like myself.

Or rather, I like who I am becoming.

I need to apologise for something, but it hasn’t happened yet.

More to the point, it’s wholly hypothetical — at least, technically-speaking.

I mean, I’m sure it will happen — and there’s not a lot of certainties in this world.

The question is not if, but what and when.

With this in mind, I figure that getting it in writing as soon as possible is probably a good shout.

I will let you down because I refuse to make promises that I can’t keep.

I will let you down because I care more about being a person of, and with, integrity, than making you happy.

I will let you down because I care about myself; because I care about my happiness; because I refuse to reduce myself to ‘a beautiful story’.

I am real.

I am flesh-and-blood and living.

I am raw and resolutely human.

I make mistakes and I own up to them.

I get angry.

I get sad.

I care — sometimes too much.

Often, even.

But I will let you down because I refuse to let myself down.

Because a half-life is no life at all; because life is, and can be, more; because I am not who I was — and thank god.

I will let you down because of how much this matters to me.

It’s the ultimate test: you will stay if I matter to you.

Thank you for listening.