I stand on a threshold in between worlds, in the world & not of it.
I feel the sacredness of desire— of my desires— and it nourishes me.
I feel my legitimacy. I feel their legitimacy. we become one.
fuck yes.
anyone who knows me knows that I am obsessed with precision.
energetically & otherwise.
the subtle art of giving a fuck can be about care, thrusting into another, or care-as-thrusting into another.
context is all.
I like the bare-bones brutality of writing in this way, sharing in this way, thinking in this way.
I like that they are one & the same, and also distinct. each a side of the same coin; each a part of the same whole. each has their part to play. and each is more whole with the other/s.
there’s a lesson in that, I think— about the ways in which we become more whole with others. and the ways in which we become more whole through others.
and the soaring, soaring, soaring euphoria of this.
I became, and have become, more whole with & through you.
men are & have always been my crucibles.
I’m not a slut. I’m not a whore. I’m a mirror.
the people who are or become close to me— whether for a time or a lifetime—are my mirrors too.
this is how I see them. and, this is how I perceive my life to work.
I love on a soul level.
my love is soul-level.
love, for me, is about touching the depths of who you are— really seeing & knowing that essence— and making love to it.
it is simple. it is precious. it is pure.
it is innocent.
I’m packing for a two-week deity yoga retreat.
I love that I get to call this “work”.
I’m packing lighter than I ever have before, and not just because all my luggage got stolen on the first day of my last trip.
I’m packing lighter because I’m carrying less baggage— literally & metaphorically.
I’m packing lighter because “stuff” no longer feels as if it supports or anchors me.
I’m packing lighter because I realise how little I actually need [to be able to have a good time], and it sets me free.
I’ve always historically over-packed.
I’ve always historically over-prepared.
it’s taken me a long time to feel safe enough in myself to experiment with being & doing the opposite. to be in that place now feels like a beautiful victory.
I just… don’t need the things I thought I did. and, they don’t nourish me.
I spent four days in Italy wearing the same clothes, carrying all my things in a single tote bag. it was extreme asceticism (I only had one change of underwear), and it was also bliss.
all I could think about was how lucky I was. so much had been taken, but/and none of it mattered, and I felt so free.
on the flight back, I realised that I had never taken a flight without Substantial Stuff. no suitcase. no big backpack. no checked baggage (of course). it’s a metaphor for so much else in my life. the way I have used external notions of security & stability to guide & comfort me. there’s value in that, of course. and, it’s also an illusion. because real security isn’t out there— it’s in here. and I already have it.
I miss my skincare. I miss my beautiful clothes. I miss my beautiful shoes. I lost things I cannot replace.
and… I have a spare suitcase that is literally identical to the suitcase I lost. I have a spare MacBook that I’d literally never opened (that I’m typing this on now). I am so fucking lucky. what the fuck, dude.
I am so fucking lucky.
I feel it now, and it’s beyond words.
I want you, but I don’t need you.
I want you so much.
and I can want you so much more when I don’t need you.
because there is nothing to rein my desire in.
there is nothing to pull it back.
I want you, and I will not shrink myself for it.
I want you, and I will not shrink my desire.
I will stretch my desire & fill my desire & let myself be filled by it too.
I will take myself on the journey I’ve always wanted to be taken on.
I will let myself be taken on the journey I’ve always wanted to be taken on.
because there’s really no difference: we are one.
we are already one. that’s why I’m still here.
that’s why I still want you.
I want you, I miss you, I love you— and I love it.
I love all of it.
because these big feelings are mine.
this big heart is mine.
this big love is mine.
this big desire is mine.
and I love to feel it. I love to feel all of it.
because I love feeling so connected with you.