Hello from the grief portal.

How are you doing?

Mar 20, 2023

man hugging his knee statue — Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

I'm writing this free-flow, on my phone, just because.

I'm feeling my intensity. I'm feeling the intensity of being human & alive right now. I'm feeling the constriction, the tenderness, the ache of shedding old skins & stepping into new ones. I’m feeling intensely!

I WANT MORE!

I AM GREEDY!

I AM IMPATIENT!

I relish it.

I'm so fucking angry with everyone for being so fucking slow & stupid & [blah blah blah].

AND...

I’m stepping into it. I’m laughing at it.

I’m watching it. It's watching me.

Here is my anchoring point for deeper exploration. Here is what I want to play with today:

“Try & pretend you are excited about discovering what you are feeling”

I feel tender right now.

I don't want to share.

I don't want to be visible.

I don't want to reach out to anyone.

I don't want to word vomit on or about anything or anyone.

And... I feel agitated. I feel messy.

And... I also don't want to be alone.

Not because I'm “dangerous” to myself or others. Because I want to be seen, held, and loved. I want to be SAFE to unravel too. I want to get what I give. I don't want to have to be strong. I want to be able to be everything without anyone trying to make me wrong.

I KNOW I AM OKAY AS I AM.

I KNOW I AM LOVEABLE AS I AM.

FUCK YOU. I DID NOTHING WRONG.

I am excited to discover that I'm scared of so much, still.

At this moment: I am so, so, so fucking scared. And I relish it. It makes me feel alive.

I am excited to discover that I'm scared of sharing this. I'm scared you'll take me less seriously in my work. I'm scared you’ll see me as less powerful. I don't want you to misunderstand or undermine me. I know that some parts of me are sacred & must be kept safe + nurtured.

(Well... I know that all of me is sacred & must be kept safe + nurtured. I also know that not everyone is necessarily equipped to do that for or with me, yet.)

And there is a FUCKING HUGE SADNESS TO THIS. I am so fucking sad that in these moments of deep anguish, I am left with me. And I am excited to discover how fucking beautiful & resourceful I am AND AND AND a gorgeous little child part of me yearns for something so much more idealistic.

I'm excited to name that I love her.

I am excited to discover that I’m disappointed

that something I was excited about didn't work out.

I am excited to discover how much I care.

I am excited to discover how precise & delicious my mental-physical signals are at directing me to exactly what I need.

I am excited to discover that I’m deeply saddened by something that happened today. It was small but big. It was symbolic of so much else. It mattered to me. It matters to me. I can't (won't) fight alone for something when I can sense that it isn't worth my time & energy.

I’m excited to discover that writing like this scares me. I’m excited to discover how much pressure I [still] place on myself. I’m excited to discover how much I still struggle to see myself as others see me.

I love myself deeply, truly, passionately, and unflinchingly.

And, and, and...

There is so much here.

I'm excited to discover that I desire to be met.

I'm excited to discover that I desire to be able to unfurl here without hurting myself.

I'm excited to discover that I’m still scared of being vulnerable.

I'm excited to acknowledge that this fear has a rightful place.

I don't want to castrate myself.

I don't want to box myself in.

I WANT TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE MET IN NEW WAYS.

Maybe this is my new way of writing & “doing newsletters”-- just a quick tap-tap on my phone. No pretension. Just me to you, from my heart to yours.

We’ll see.