"don't hold me to this" #1
an exercise in telling the truth of the moment, without needing to be defined by it
the number one thing I want to do with my life is write, love & feel.
nothing is more important to me.
nothing is more meaningful for me.
nothing opens or transports me more.
I know what I want. why does it feel so tender?
what’s alive for me right now is the roar (and limitation) of ambition, juxtaposed with a deeper desire for safety & belonging— and softness.
just softness. I want softness. I want (and need) to be & feel held.
always, always, always— and forever.
it is okay to want this. it is okay to need this.
this is beautiful. I am beautiful.
what do I care about?
what do I care for?
what is meaningful to me?
my people.
why is that so vulnerable? because it is not something I can do alone; because it is intrinsically dependent on others; because it is, by nature, intrinsically vulnerable.
because that is the life I choose.
because that is the life I have chosen.
I choose power in vulnerability.
I choose love in vulnerability.
and I choose the love in (and of) truth.
I write this post missing you.
you left this morning. I won’t see you for a week.
in all the highs, I see my humanity. I feel my humanity.
I want to be able to share freely here.
I don’t know what I am scared of.
we are writing the rules together.
we are imagining the rules together.
I’m remembering what [redacted] said a couple of years ago: “it feels like you’re living on the edge of Being, where frameworks go to die. thank you. I’m grateful for you.”
I live in the place where frameworks go to die.
and from there, something else emerges. somethings else, plural. because there are no constrictions to singularity here.
and this place isn’t easy. this place requires discernment. this place requires so, so, so much of me.
in this place, I get to create what I want. the price is continually making it up, reshaping it, honing it, refining it. [my] life is my playground & magic. [my] life is a compass & prophecy for aliveness.
it is scary for me. I get scared too. I want to be able to be seen in my fear of power as well as everything else. I want to be able to be seen in my fear of myself. I know that allowing myself to be seen is an act of love.
I love my tenderness. I love my heart. I love my essence. I love my innocence. I love my beingness. I love my ways of being.
I love the way I love. I love who I am. I love the things I struggle with too because they teach me how to befriend & tend to myself in new ways.
I love myself. I love who I am.
I want to share more here. I [feel like I] don’t know how to.
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