"don't hold me to this" #1
an exercise in telling the truth of the moment, without needing to be defined by it
the number one thing I want to do with my life is write, love & feel.
nothing is more important to me.
nothing is more meaningful for me.
nothing opens or transports me more.
I know what I want. why does it feel so tender?
what’s alive for me right now is the roar (and limitation) of ambition, juxtaposed with a deeper desire for safety & belonging— and softness.
just softness. I want softness. I want (and need) to be & feel held.
always, always, always— and forever.
it is okay to want this. it is okay to need this.
this is beautiful. I am beautiful.
what do I care about?
what do I care for?
what is meaningful to me?
my people.
why is that so vulnerable? because it is not something I can do alone; because it is intrinsically dependent on others; because it is, by nature, intrinsically vulnerable.
because that is the life I choose.
because that is the life I have chosen.
I choose power in vulnerability.
I choose love in vulnerability.
and I choose the love in (and of) truth.
I write this post missing you.
you left this morning. I won’t see you for a week.
in all the highs, I see my humanity. I feel my humanity.
I want to be able to share freely here.
I don’t know what I am scared of.
we are writing the rules together.
we are imagining the rules together.
I’m remembering what [redacted] said a couple of years ago: “it feels like you’re living on the edge of Being, where frameworks go to die. thank you. I’m grateful for you.”
I live in the place where frameworks go to die.
and from there, something else emerges. somethings else, plural. because there are no constrictions to singularity here.
and this place isn’t easy. this place requires discernment. this place requires so, so, so much of me.
in this place, I get to create what I want. the price is continually making it up, reshaping it, honing it, refining it. [my] life is my playground & magic. [my] life is a compass & prophecy for aliveness.
it is scary for me. I get scared too. I want to be able to be seen in my fear of power as well as everything else. I want to be able to be seen in my fear of myself. I know that allowing myself to be seen is an act of love.
I love my tenderness. I love my heart. I love my essence. I love my innocence. I love my beingness. I love my ways of being.
I love the way I love. I love who I am. I love the things I struggle with too because they teach me how to befriend & tend to myself in new ways.
I love myself. I love who I am.
I want to share more here. I [feel like I] don’t know how to.
maybe writing in fragments will help.
actually, yes— that feels right. maybe even beautiful.
I like the paywall too. there’s a sense of precision.
people have opted into this. access to my mind & soul. the $ amount is small, and it’s symbolic.
I like it here. I want to value myself more.
all these strange, beautiful paradoxes.
a few weeks ago, at a party, someone made a comment about this— about me not valuing myself enough. and it stuck with me because there is a truth to it [too]. I live an unconventional life, give in unconventional ways, and make unconventional choices. not for the sake of being unconventional, but because the values that lie beneath this are important to me: honouring myself, embodying love, teaching with the clarity of my example, daring to dream. how good am I willing to have it?
how good am I willing to feel?
I am not who I might seem to be. or rather, I am many things. and, I am continually evolving. sometimes I wonder if and/or fear that it’s hard to keep up with me.
right now, I am faced with a unique opportunity for a do-over. a unique opportunity for creation. a unique opportunity to embrace aliveness.
I leave SF in just over a month. in order to come back, I will need a different kind of visa. I don’t want to “work hard”. I don’t want to “push through”. I want to be radically imaginative. I want ingenuity. I want wholeness.
I don’t want to mastermind a grand plan or big vision. I want supporters. I want collaboration.
I want (and need) to be set up for success—and to THRIVE—too.
short- and long-term, I want far more than money.
I have always wanted (and cared for) far more than money.
money is not the object[ive]; money is a beautiful, albeit blunt instrument.
I want the right people in my corner.
I want to receive what I give.
I yearn to create long-term, meaningful, strategic partnerships over time. long-term, meaningful, strategic partnerships where we both can thrive.
where we ALL can thrive.
this is what I want.
this is what I have to give.
and perhaps it comes with (or in) a different structure.
perhaps it doesn’t fit into neat boxes.
perhaps I was wrong.
perhaps I was trying to appease someone else’s idea of who I should (or needed) to be.
perhaps I was playing too much within the rules.
perhaps I was making it too hard for myself.
maybe I want to be able to be committed, devoted & unreasonable at the same time.
maybe I want to be able to rest [more]. maybe I want to be able to trust [more].
maybe I never want to do “my own thing” again.
fuck being a boss bitch.
I want a soft life. I want to be cared for.
maybe I want to be able to ask for help.
maybe I want to be able to soften.
maybe I’m doing everything right.
maybe I have been doing everything right.
maybe I’m surrounded by people who love me, who want me to thrive [too].
maybe it’s all going to turn out alright.
… maybe I think too much ;)