Deliberately un-indexed.
Otherwise known as ‘spitballing on the internet’ — because I think I’m too awkward for Twitter.
Otherwise known as ‘spitballing on the internet’ — because Twitter has a 140 character limit and is too public/intimidating. (I think I just fear that I’m too awkward.)
I’ve been trying to work out why I write here [on Medium]. Who these posts are for. Why I’m doing this, full stop.
I have other journals, other writings, other spaces to ‘be’ and express myself — why this? And why now?
I’m playing with vulnerability. With my edges. What I do and don’t feel comfortable with. And stretching it.
This is public, yes, and attached to my name, but (thank god) I’m not famous, whether on Medium or otherwise. It would be naive of me to say that “what I write here doesn’t matter” but, y’know, I’m a very little fish in a very big pond. It’s a big deal to me because of my discomfort *with* sharing myself openly and honestly — what this brings up for me, how this stokes my fears, shame and insecurities — rather than because of *what* I’m sharing. None of this is that controversial. #RealTalk: get out of your head for a moment. It’s not a big deal.
At the moment, I’m treating this as a dumping ground. I’m not really sharing or publicising my work, and I’m not looking to gain views, comments or followers.
I don’t want to; it’s not ‘work’. It’s not a show.
Anyone who knows me beyond the blogosphere will hopefully recognise me and my ways of being and seeing the world from their awareness of me beyond the virtual page; this is but a snapshot in time and a written, real-time representation of some of the processes I take to explore and unravel my experience.
I’m going to level with you (and with myself): A part of me is uncomfortable with this. It scares me to put myself out there. I feel anxious and exposed. This isn’t ‘inspirational’; it’s genuinely challenging. It goes against the grain — my grain — even if it’s in alignment with what I purport to care about and seek more of in my life. It’s still hard. It’s still really, really hard.
This is my truth. Deliberately un-indexed.