Dear Diary: "The only time you need to worry about our relationship is when I'm being diplomatic."
And other stories about love, loss & redemption.
Article voiceover
Welcome to the flood.
18/1/2023
it's late, so I want to keep this short.
I want to talk about the people who make it safe for ME to express my truth.
I want to talk about the people who compel me to shower them with love.
I want to talk about how good it feels to be allowed to be angry.
I want to talk about how powerful it feels to be allowed to be a bitch. UNREASONABLE. rude. “entitled”.
I want to talk about how freeing it is.
truth requires trust.
truth CREATES trust.
the only time you need to worry about our relationship is when I’m being diplomatic.
A NOTE ON THIS NEWSLETTER (22/1/2023)
I feel the urge to give
more
fully.
I feel the urge to be
more
fully.
I want to make it up to you.
I owe you nothing.
and…
I want to
add value.
Perhaps a part of me
feels as if
I am not enough
as I amAND
another part of me
wants to stretch the limits of
what’s possible.
another part of me
knows
what I am capable of
& doesn’t take
(my) no
for an answer.
so, here I am.
you’re getting all of me today.
just for today.
because I feel like it.
because I felt like it.it feels good to be here.
it feels good to stay.
19/1/2023
It's time for my daily diary entry.
I feel like a broken record... but I don’t feel broken.
I notice that we don't seem to have language to talk about or express wholeness.
a whole new lexicon is ripe for the making.
and, with that, a whole new world.
language is powerful.
I haven't slept well these last 2 nights, and I notice the difference.
my eyes are tired. they sting.
I've shown up for myself & my commitments. and, I've given myself time & space for me. I have been so joyfully go-go-go. it’s good for me to breathe.
on rejoicing in our common humanity:
I want to write love letters to everyone I love. & in some small way, I do. in some large ways, I do.
a part of me wants to share these letters here too.
if you recognise yourself, know that I love you. if you recognise someone else, know that I love them.
savour it. tend to it.
I want to keep these love letters short & pseudonymous. and, if you know, you know.
listen to where the knowing wants you to go.
let's soften.
LOVE LETTER #1
Person 1 (P1):
I kept your secret.
I kept your secrets, plural.
I hope you notice it.
I hope you noticed it [then].
I didn't understand why I had to do it & I still did it.
it isn't mine. it's yours.
I’m still angry. I forgive you.
I know you did the best you could.
LOVE LETTER #2
Person 2 (Person 2):
you're fucking badass. you're so fucking badass. I can't tell you how much I love, respect & appreciate you. hats off to you. hats fucking off to you. you rule. I love it. I love you. thank you for everything.
with you, I'm dissolving.
do you see it yet?
LOVE LETTER #3
P3:
I see & feel your humanity and it mingles with my own. it humbles me. you humble me. I see & feel your tenderness. I'm touched by your longing.
LOVE LETTER #4
P4:
I want to shout from the rooftops about you. you're my fucking everything. I'm so grateful I found you. I'm so grateful we found one another. wow. no words. we are powerhouses alone & superstars together. I love you & I’m here to stay.
LOVE LETTER #5
P5:
you are one of the tenderest, most sensitive & most loving men I've ever met. I’m so grateful for your caring presence in my life. I remember when I first met you, P4 & I were still sussing things out; I was in performance mode. in the months since, that's melted away.
you're just there. you're solid; you're sturdy. I know you'll be there if & when I need you. most importantly, I know you'd actually want to be. I haven't needed you, and that doesn't escape me. your presence alone is wanted.
LOVE LETTER #6 (… the slightly naughty one)
P6:
when I thought about the kind of man I wanted to call into my life (in a romantic capacity), you were it. you were always it. you'll probably never read this. you probably already know this. it's cool. we’re all good at pretending not to know things. 😉
LOVE LETTER #7
P7:
I feel your big, beautiful heart & it opens mine. I love how willing you are to challenge authority. I admire your dogged commitment to love & truth. it was deeply touching for me to see & feel your surprise when you realised I actually liked you-as-you.
LOVE LETTER #8
P8:
my soul sister. (another soul sister)
I miss the other one & I love you just as much. there is no comparison; you are different people.
language is powerful.
you ignite my protective instincts.
when I'm around you, all I want to do is celebrate you & keep you safe.
LOVE LETTER #9
P9:
I feel tender with you. there are so many what-ifs. one day, I’ll share our story-- or at least my side of it. thank you for inspiring me to be braver & bolder. I always wanted to be a romantic heroine. and so, I became her.
I will always love you. no matter what.