Dear Diary: "My biggest wound is--was-- my self-reliance."
www.rachelclifnotes.com
Dear Diary: "My biggest wound is--was-- my self-reliance."
What's yours?
23/1/2023
I've cried a lot today, kind of unexpectedly. (definitely unexpectedly)
it's SO GLORIOUSLY APT & IRONIC.
I write a cute little post about how to become unfuckwithable & then the Universe rewards me with a sexy-ass level-up.
couldn't have planned it better. 😜
I realised why I am-- & have been-- so fucking angry.
I’ve been metabolising so much RAGE recently (& putting it to good use, might I add 😜 cc @erotic__capital).
it's self-righteous, and it's a good kind of anger. it's the kind of anger that takes no shit from anyone.
it's the kind of anger that knows its worth.
it's the kind of anger that is so grounded in its right to exist that it doesn't censor its expression or pretend to be anything else.
it's the kind of anger that simply is.
it speaks & it is heard. I know you [can] hear me now.
for women who have been taught to be afraid of being vulnerable, rage is medicine.
for women who have been taught that vulnerability is unsafe, rage is sacred.
my biggest wound is-- was-- my self-reliance.
you become really good at getting shit done if you can see it needs to be done & don't trust other people’s competence at getting it done for or with you in a way that feels helpful.
I have so many blind spots. there is so much I don’t know. I need help just as much as anyone else. I need people who can guide me.
what's been coming up for me today is frustration.
one simple sentence: “why didn't you tell me?”
what underpins this: “I wish I hadn't had to do it alone for so long. I wish I'd had the right people around me to guide me.”
and underneath that...
deep sadness for that little girl.
the locked-up, locked-in teenager battling herself & the world.
the young adult shapeshifter who tenaciously moulded herself to the fears, whims & politics of professional environments (or at least tried to).
the woman who decided to be unstoppable. the woman who decided to become unfuckwithable. the woman who decided to choose herself despite not knowing how to. the woman who was willing to choose herself first despite knowing that this would cost her everything she thought she knew.
