Dear Diary: "I've never felt so connected with the feeling of betrayal while feeling so rock-solid in myself."
Underneath the rage is grief. What unites it all is love.
24/1/2023
today has been such a deep fucking day.
I've cried a lot.
I've WAILED.
there's been so much inside of me that needed to come out.
so much rage & so much GRIEF.
underneath the rage is grief.
what unites it all is love.
I feel myself gaining momentum now.
I feel myself gaining power now.
I watch myself become ever more discerning.
I watch myself see myself & the world with new eyes.
& it BREAKS MY HEART.
I feel so betrayed.
I've never felt so betrayed.
correction: I’ve never felt so connected with the feeling of betrayal while being rock-solid in myself.
I am safe. I am grounded. the world is not going to fall out from underneath me. I am safe to feel.
and feel, I do.
I feel like I'm drowning in betrayal. it's not my own. it's everyone’s.
it's the ways we betray ourselves to survive, at the expense of joy, pleasure & aliveness. at the expense of real connection & intimacy. because we don't believe that anything else is or could be possible.
I’m impatient. I'm pissed off. I'm (maybe, probably) arrogant.
“I’ve fucking done the work. I’m fucking doing the work. why can't everyone else just catch up?”
how I know that I'm changing:
that last paragraph reeks of self-entitlement... & I relish it.
can you imagine thinking, feeling & believing that you’re entitled to what you really want?
you earned it.
you deserve it.
no-holds-barred.
it's TRUE.
your only job is to dismantle anything & everything that gets in the way of you believing this.
if it was safe to desire, if it was GOOD to desire, if you were “saving the world” just by allowing yourself to OPEN YOUR MIND to [the existence of] your own genius, made flesh in & through the existence of your desires...
what would you let yourself want?
call me phoenix or die trying @womanrising