Dear Diary: "I don't need to write a memoir. It's all already here."
Truth. Love. Courage. Liberation.
22/1/2023
I don't need to write a memoir.
it's all already here.
what's different is that I don't have to hide her anymore.
what's different is that I am not-- & don't have to be-- ashamed.
fuck. I'm so fucking proud of myself. nothing & no one can take that away from me.
my heart breaks for my younger self.& I love her so, so, so much.
I will always love her.
I will always protect her.
I will always treasure her.
she knew more than she thought she did.
the world wasn't ready for her.
the world is different now.
as I end my day, what do I want to say?
what am I thinking? what am I feeling?what's alive?
I'm reflecting on the power of no.
the power of only saying yes to what I REALLY want.
when I say no to something or someone, it usually means I don't want X enough. it's personal.
of course, it's personal.
that's the point.
it doesn't mean I don't like you or I doing care.
it means, this isn't right.
I'm not going to try & do something that isn't right.
even if, at times, I still feel guilty about it.
this is real too.
what makes me happy is...
having the space & time & freedom to roam. relationships that feel effortless, or at least truly mutual & reciprocal.
& perhaps there's a disconnect in my mind. erroneously, I associate Y with X & X with Y. or maybe it's just...
my life is full.
I'm not searching for anything outside myself anymore.
I have all I want & need & more.
if you really knew me, you’d know...
I treasure being & feeling grounded. nothing is more important to me. there’s nowhere to be but here. life is spiritual practice.
I have never wanted to be ‘busy’ for the sake of it, but I used to fill time.
I was lonely & isolated.
I wanted to be like everyone else.
I wanted to seem to be living a certain way.
now, I see that (almost) everyone does that, and I can’t bear to be around it anymore.
I have never wanted to be ‘busy’ for the sake of it, but I used to fill time.
I was lonely & isolated.
I wanted to be like everyone else.
I wanted to seem to be living a certain way.
now, I see that (almost) everyone does that, and I can’t bear to be around it anymore.
I no longer look outside myself for validation of my worthiness.
and…
I treasure the parts of me that do.
sometimes, it takes me a while to respond to messages too. it isn’t personal. I may be inept at times, but my ineptitude isn’t shameful. my ineptitude is adorable.
there’s a story I haven’t told yet. I’ll tell it as a fragment. it’s about a man who didn’t treat me very well in a professional context. at the time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. he seemed surprised.
when he asked me why, I said: “the focus of my life & work is relationship alchemy.these aren’t just words to me—it’s a calling.
I believe that conflict is & can be a force for greater connection & intimacy.I wanted to give us the opportunity to see what we could make of this.”
I stand by this.
I stand by my choice to see his humanity when it would’ve been so easy—& so fucking tempting— not to.
I stand by my choice to see, love, laugh at & honour my own.
I stand by my choice to choose love. I stand by my choice to choose connection.
I stand by my choice to choose power.
I know that nothing meaningful is ever accomplished alone… & no meaningful life is ever led alone.
in the words of Ram Dass:
“we are all walking each other home.”
and, in the words of Taylor Swift…
open.spotify.com/track/1P17dC1a…