a little book of desires - second edition
a love letter from me to you
I’m devoting myself to free-writing here.
and as I unfurl, it gets easier. I lose control.
and when I lose control, I lose my illusions.
I am seen, I am heard, I am found, I am home.
honey, it feels so fucking good to be home.
today is day two of a new kind of blogging experiment.
I’m flirting with norms— by which I mean, playing with them. by which I mean, negating them. by which I mean, shaping them.
this is an ode to art & an ode to life.
this is an ode to the masterpiece of life.
this is an ode to mastering peace.
it’s also (entirely) unedited. no grammarly for me!
writing in lowercase feels different. it’s kinda funny. easy, lucid, flowing.
the kind of prose that just flows off the tongue.
ice-cream that melts before it gets to the tongue.
the embodiment of the word “flowing”. yum.
it feels so fucking good to be here.
my favourite word in the world is “fucking” & my parents kinda hate me for it.
I’m writing this as me but, like, a different me.
a softer me. a younger me. a sweeter me.
I can feel my teenage renaissance.
right now, I want…
to be met. to be known. to be seen.
I don’t ache for it. it’s just factual.
I want to be. I am being.
words are silly, beautiful creatures. I relish them. we’re trying our best.
right now, I want…
a book deal & an agent. not just any book deal. a 3-book deal and a Netflix series. not just any agent— an agent that fucking adores me, has major skin in the game & music/film industry credentials, and wants to see me THRIVE. I don’t just want stability. I want an EMERGENCE from foundations to emerge beyond me. I want to forge foundations that exist beyond far, far, far beyond me. I don’t want to create them. I don’t want to do any kind of active work for them. I want them to come to me.
right now, I want…
to be able to say these words out loud without apologising for or justifying them. I’m allowed to want these things.
right now, I want…
a sumptuous witchy costume for a performance art piece I’m doing on Sunday night at like 3 AM. aka - someone to do my makeup. and maybe come with me as a +1. HMU, Londoners!
right now, I want…
to go bigger with my desires. this is too fucking granular. this is boring.
I want a sumptuous witchy costume & a wreath of fresh-flowers + diamonds to go with it. I want opulence. I love opulence. I desire opulence. I claim opulence. fuck, it feels good. it feels good to admit that I want EVEN MORE OF these things. I want to dance & fly (or be tossed) around and be kissed all over & spin until I’m dizzy. I want to do all my life admin & go out & dance & forget my own name.
fuck that. I want someone to do all my life admin for me.
I want to trust someone enough to be able to delegate the Things That Can’t Be Delegated. I want an assistant who’s akin to my second brain. I want to be able to control important things with my mind. I want to make decisions in my mind & have them magically be reflected in the world around me. I want to feel my power & precision simultaneously.
I want a life partner.
I want to never, ever, ever, ever, ever [feel as if I] have to make sacrifices to create what I want.
I want to live my life like the positive-sum game that it is.
I want to be bullish & wild & free. I want to be radically generous. I want to be uncompromisingly clear & grounded. I want to be so loving & equanimous that my energy & presence alone have the power to end world wars. I want to be recognised for my gifts. I want to be celebrated for them. I want, I want, I want.
it feels good to want.
it feels so fucking good to want.
will you tell me what you want? and… will you dance with me?
I love you.
- Rachel