a stream of consciousness on when & where I am happiest

I am happiest when I allow myself to love. I am happiest when I allow myself to feel. I am happiest when I allow myself to be. I am happiest when I allow myself to be me— all of me, including the “ugly” or messy bits. I am happiest when I am tender with the parts of myself that are still tender & in pain.

I am happiest when I am alone, in a beautiful, quiet, peaceful place to call my own. I am happiest in my own energy. when I get to soak up my love, my heart & my soul. when I get to rest. when there is nowhere to be & no one else to be with. I am happiest when I am showing myself love of the kind that only I can give.

I am happiest when I am operating from a place of razor-sharp clarity & discernment. I am happiest when my yes is a fuck yes & my no is a clean no to anything that doesn’t feel like this. I am happiest when I am living in flow. I am happiest when I am flowing from place to place & moment to moment. I am happiest when I embody aliveness & joy. I am happiest when my inner child can come out to play & be held. I am happiest when I am safe to be vulnerable. I am happiest when the entirety of my being is welcomed & met with love.

I am happiest when I am & feel taken care of. I am happiest when responsibility for taking care of me is taken off my shoulders. I am happiest when I can focus on being me instead. I am happiest when I feel loved by people I love for who I am. I am happiest when I feel appreciated by people I appreciate for who I am. I am happiest when I feel seen, held, and known. I am happiest when I feel wanted for & in my wholeness. I am happiest when my relationships easily, effortlessly & joyfully embody reciprocity.

I am happiest when I receive what I give. I am happiest when the depth & breadth of my capacity to love is mirrored. I am happiest when I am surrounded by people who are passionate, driven, loving, courageous & adventurous. I am happiest when I get to channel & embrace my adventurous spirit. I am happiest when dancing to music that fills the overflowing cup of my soul.

I am happiest when I am doing things that “don’t make sense” but feel right. I am happiest when I am compelled into action of the sweetest & most powerful kind. I am happiest when I get to enjoy my power and wield it as a force of nature & force for love. I am happiest when I get to embrace my inner artist & embody my inner muse at the same time.

I am happiest in wide open spaces, places of natural beauty & wonder, with the wind in my hair. I am happiest when partaking in multi-sensory sensual delights. I am happiest when making cat noises, or moaning softly, or laughing. I am happiest when I am excited & inspired by people I love. I am happiest when I feel as if I am able to engender the change I want to see in the world by teaching with the clarity of my example.

I am happiest when walking through places that make me feel at home. I am happiest when my inner slut or provocateur has space (and permission!) to play & roam. I am happiest when I feel as if it is safe & allowed to love without limits. I am happiest when I am (and embody!) my own permission slip.

I am happiest when I surrender to the flow of the Universe. I am happiest when I trust in a force that is stronger, greater & more powerful than I will ever be, to guide me & orchestrate everything. I am happiest when I don’t have to be the strongest, toughest, cleverest, most beautiful or most brilliant person in the room. I am happiest when I am allowed (and allow myself) to be weak, flawed, fallible, human, and majestic with it.

I am happiest when I give myself space to breathe. I am happiest when I’m

when I said this was unedited, I meant it

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I’m being facetious, and deliberately so.
Let’s be real.
Modern life is — or can be — exhausting.
But what’s most exhausting of all isn’t the day-to-day.
It’s pretending. It’s performing. It’s putting on a brave face.
It’s not being able to be who and what you are, at that moment.
It's always having to be on guard.
So guarded that you're afraid to ask what you're afraid of.
You just know that you're scared.
The aim?
Just be with whatever is.
Flawed.
Imperfect.
Wandering.

I’m 23 and guttural, but age doesn’t matter.
And there’s something about femininity and womanhood here too, I think.
Notions of who we are (and aren’t) allowed to be.
Notions of who we allow ourselves to be.
The public, the private -- and, of course, our dreams.
My dreams may not be your dreams.
My fears may not be your fears.
That doesn’t matter.
Still, we are more similar than we are different.
We need to slow down and be still.
Only then can we see clearly.
Only then can we hear what's really going on.

When you’re rushing, you’re not present.
And when you’re not present, you’re not really there.
You’re not really there for anything or anyone -- least of all yourself.
We all deserve more than that, from ourselves as well as others.
But it starts with accountability. The [wo]man in the mirror.

You see, it's not heroic to take on more than you can chew.
To try to save the world. To devote yourself to goodness.
Or rather, it’s not heroic to do so in isolation.
To push and push and pull, and negate your humanity.
When I hear people say this, I ask, “why?”
And in my head, I think, "what are you running away from?"
I used to think like this, be like this, live like this.
If nothing else, I endeavor to practice what I preach.
But now, dare I say it, I understand.
If I’m anyone’s hero, I am simply my own.

What I do and who I become is not — and will not become — the focal point of my life.
I want to live first. Full stop, no buts, no doubts. No second-guessing. My impact, and any notions of a 'legacy' are implicitly secondary.
And pride comes before a fall, no doubt.
I am sure that I will be tested.
I am sure that I will crumble.
And I am equally sure that I will get up again.
All flesh is weak. We are but adult children.
I am fickle and wretched and stubborn.
So, I will remember.
What we really need to do is forgive.

We do not live in a vacuum.
Therefore, notions of 'I' can't be distinguished from 'we.’
I am but a conduit.
A reminder.
To you and to myself.
I am my own sanctity. My own home. My own anchor.
We all are… it’s just that, for many of us, we’re far away from home.
We don’t know what home looks like.
We don’t know what it’s like to be at home in our own skin.

I wrote this on the fly, furiously.
Fingers tap-tapping across the page.
Call it poetry, journaling, or something else -- I don’t care.
Make it up. When I share it with you, it is no longer ‘mine.’
But it was never mine to start with.
This is soul.

And this is what stories do.
They connect us with our souls.
They stir up something deep and dark within us, and they allow us to feel.
Feelings are powerful.
They are our lifeblood.
They are what will bring us home.
When was the last time that you listened to yourself?
When was the last time that you felt alive?
I’d wager a guess that the answers are entwined.
But hey - I may be wrong.
I’m no oracle.
And that’s the beauty of this, too.

I am, we come, full circle.
Whether this resonates with you or not is not the point.
It is something that I have created. It exists on its own merit.
It doesn’t have to please.
Or simper.
Or be liked.
Or any combination thereof.
It can stand tall.
It can be despised.
It can be ignored.
It can be devalued.
And it still exists.
It is still allowed to exist.
It does not have to be perfect.
It doesn’t have to be anything.
It just is.

This is how I want to live — freely.
Without fear.
This is what it means for me to be truthful.
And this is what it requires, I think.
A degree of detachment from outcomes.
In some sense, ‘not caring’.
Because if I care too much, I spiral into focusing on something beyond myself -- something that I have no control of.
And I start wanting to control it.
And, for me at least, that is always futile.

We are born, we live, and we die -- and at some level, that’s all there is.
At some level, my life is — our lives are — intrinsically insignificant.
And what a blessing.

To laugh, to cry, to withstand it all.
And to know that, at the end of the day, it is all but a story.
We are but stories.
What stories are you telling yourself?
What stories do you stand for?

happy new year. I love you. thank you for being here & supporting me.

you’ve always been a Somebody.

you just couldn’t see it.

give because you want to. because you love it. because you care.

not because you want something in return.

your sensitivity is a gift. treasure it.

don’t let it be disrespected.

it’s okay to be misunderstood.

time spent on people, places and things that didn’t serve you is not “wasted”.

look at where you are.

look at what you learned from it.

people will misunderstand you.

they will underestimate you.

they will attempt to cut you down.

let them. then, let them go.

let this be a lesson on who really has your back and who doesn’t.

their opinion of you has no bearing on who you are or where you are going.

I forgive you.

what goes up must come down, yet I find it hard to ask for help.

if you want to show me love, all you have to do is listen.

if this touches you, I’d love to hear from you. we are already connected <3

dear you,

you are singular & plural at the same time.

you delight me with your multitudes. your depth. your expansiveness.

I love knowing you. [and, to a select few within this bracket:] I love fucking you.

you make me happy to be alive.
you give me space & permission to be myself.
with you, I come alive. with you, I am able to be more myself than I’ve ever been before.

I need you in the natural, human, beautiful way that we all need one another.
I need you, and I want you. I want you, and I love you.

you are so easy to love.
you are so easy for me to love.
you are so loveable.

in you, I see me.

you are my medicine, my mirror, and my teacher.
I love doing life with you. I love journeying together.

I have so much fun with you. I love how much we laugh together.

you bring me endless joy & camaraderie. lightness. ease. grace. sweetness. magic. adventure. a sense of possibility. connection to the depth & breadth of what is possible.

today, [one of] you told me that I had a gift from god.
today, [another one of] you told me that you “really liked me” in the most unexpectedly adorable & heart-opening context possible.
today, [another one of] you showed me that you are committed to making time with & for me and us.
today, [another one of[ you told me earnestly that you were on-call all the time to be of service to me in whatever ways I need while I’m in SF. and I felt your heart.
today, [another one of[ you were kind & generous to me with something I struggle with and could easily shame myself for.

you teach me things I could never learn alone.
you teach me things I don’t want to learn alone.
you teach me that I don’t have to be alone.
you teach me that I am & can be loved as I am.

thank you for everything.

I am so grateful for your companionship.
I am so humbled by our friendship.
I am so touched by your love, trust & support.

thank you for opening your heart to me.

I am a better woman, lover, friend, partner, and person because of you.

I love all you are.

to many more years together.
to a lifetime of joyfully expansive adventure.

to love. to truth. to power. to peace. to freedom. to devotion. to pleasure. to integrity.

to embodying limitlessness.
to allowing what wants to move through us to move through us.
to unshaming our natural impulses.
to giving ourselves space to breathe, feel & expand— together & apart.
to loving with a wide-open heart.

you know who you are,

Rachel

half-light. one eye. soft.

what & how do I want to be seen? what & how do I want to be known?

it is vulnerable to share your world with the internet. I don’t actually do that much of it. I notice the pain of separation & the joy of privacy. the illicit has always tempted me. what traps am I falling into?

these questions are provocative. every question I’ve ever asked “my audience”, I’ve asked myself. every question I ever ask my audience, I ask myself. countless times.
I ask & I ask & I ask & I answer differently every single time.

what & how do I want to be seen? what & how do I want to be known?

right now, I am feeling heartbroken.
right now, I am feeling heart-open.
right now, I am softening.

there is a sense of endings & new beginnings.
I am in love with the ephemeral.

WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?

above & beyond anything else, there is the part of me that doesn’t know what to say.

there is the part of me that doesn’t have anything to say.

there is the part of me that wants all of this to go away.

there is the part of me that freezes. the part of me that curls up in a ball & hides.

there is the part of me that doesn’t know why anyone would want to listen to anything I say anyway.

there is the part of me that is deeply, deeply, deeply afraid.

WHAT DO THESE PARTS OF ME WANT TO SAY?

the part of me that doesn’t know what to say: “is something wrong with me because I am this way? am I doing something wrong? is everything okay?”

the part of me that doesn’t have anything to say: “when you are moved, you will move. when you are moved to speak, you will speak. listen to me. trust me. I love you. be here with me.”

the part of me that wants all of this to go away: “I am overwhelmed and afraid. will you take care of me? will you comfort me?”

the part of me that freezes, curls up in a ball & hides: “I’m scared. will you judge me? will you love me? am I safe?”

the part of me that doesn’t know why anyone would listen to anything I say: “why do you like me anyway? what do you see in me? I can’t see it. I need you to tell me so I can see it for myself.”

the part of me that is deeply, deeply, deeply afraid: “I want to be held.”

WHAT DO THESE PARTS OF ME WANT TO HEAR?

these parts of me want to hear that I am safe, loved, and wanted. not for the sake of it. not to appease my insecurities. only if it’s true for the other person.

these parts of me are not dissuaded by putdowns. they do not care for pleasantries. they are interested in what is alive & real. they are here to protect me [too].

WHERE DO I WANT TO GO FROM HERE?

I am touched by the awakening, the unfolding, the unfurling.

I like writing questions in all-caps.

I like this formatting.

I like the way this flows.

I like the way this feels.

I like the way this feels when I share this.

I’m grateful to Mel for gently inspiring & guiding me into this.

I’m grateful not to have to be alone.

I’m grateful to know that I never have to be alone again.

it feels so good not to have to be alone.
it feels so good not to be alone.
it feels so good not to have to be alone.

I want to write these words over & over & over again.

I want to soak this up.
I want to create.
I want to unfurl.
I want to freefall in the gentlest way possible.

I want to open. I want to love.

I want to go further than I’ve ever gone before.
I want to stop holding [myself] back.

WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?

I want to experiment with answering this question multiple times.

it’s later in the day now, and the mood has shifted. I am different now. I am many different people all rolled into one. I am many different things all rolled into one.

I’m okay. I’m beautiful. I’m more than okay.

this isn’t just about surface-level beauty. beauty isn’t just surface-level.

I want to experience what it’s like to choose to share, and choose to stay.
I want to experience what it’s like to choose to stay, and naturally move, and share from that place.

I want to experiment with answering this question multiple times. I want to see what happens when I stay with this question, when I move with this question, when I love this question, and when I fall in love with this question.

I love this question so much. this essay is a love letter to this question.

question, I love you.
question, my love for you is never in question.
question, you are an allegory for love itself.
question, you are creation made manifest.

and for all the heartache and the loss, there is—was—love.

I opened up. I listened. I softened. I stayed.

it was worth it. it is worth it. I am so, so, so fucking grateful.

WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?

all the parts of me that I have been hiding away.

WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?

all the parts of me that yearn to be tended to.

WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?

my inner child; my little girl; my younger self; the woman I admire so much because she knew more than she thought she did & she really, really, really fucking bet on herself and it paid off.

WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?

the parts of me that yearn to be loved in ways I am not [yet]; the parts of me that are afraid of sharing this; the parts of me that have a mixed history with being & feeling met (I welcome, love, and treasure them).

WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?

my greatest hopes, dreams, and desires. my fire. my audacity. my tenacity. my boldness. my willingness to burn for love. my willingness to dance naked & make a fool of myself. my love for ridiculousness. my inner clown. the cosmic joker.

WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?

my desire to have people who walk this road with me. my desire for partnership of the kind that transcends romance & sexuality. my desire for partnership of the kind that is about ride-or-die-we’re-in-this-together oneness. my desire for even more integration. my desire to come home to myself even more. my desire to let my guard down even more. my desire to be even more truthful. my desire to both claim these desires as “mine” and see these desires as an expression of something that is much greater & more powerful than me. my desire to be able to be silly & imperfect & be loved for it. my desire to be an eternal student. my desire to fuck the rules. my desire to make love & embody peace. my desire to live art & own power & be a living embodiment of the fact that the goddess is real. my desire to be even more myself even (especially) when it’s hard. my desire to laugh at notions of selfhood and just enjoy the motherfucking ride. my desire to claim all of this as MINE & roar at the brilliant skies. my desire to be even more at one with the universe. my desire to co-birth a new world from the ashes of what came before. my desire to bring you all with me, and do all of this together. my desire for togetherness. my desire for love.

WHAT PARTS OF ME SURFACE WHEN I WANT TO CREATE?

my love for you & I together. my love for us. my love for what we get to create. my love for our big, beautiful hearts. my love for our journey & collective transformation. it is magnificent. we are magnificent. we should be so proud of ourselves. onwards, upwards, and through!

thank you for reading.

a question, a quest, a desire, a yearning: will you reply to this post with a question for me?

a prompt for my next longform essay. a brick for a solid foundation of musings.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

thank you for being here with me.

love,

your favourite modern-day renaissance woman